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TV review: Mark Wright's Hollywood Nights
Mark Wright's Hollywood Nights - Image. ITV2
Mark Wright jets off to Hollywood for the ultimate lads' holiday in Mark Wright's Hollywood Nights.
Probably when the end credits rolled.
Where do I start? Too many to list.
The first week of Mark Wright's Hollywood Nights debuted to roundly negative reviews on Twitter and in the press. "Like Entourage with Essex no-marks," said Metro. Kevin O'Sullivan in The Mirror banded the crew: "Essex's legendary Prat Pack!" and dismissed the show as featuring: "Five blocks of wood that couldn't act their way out of a paper bag."
Surely the second episode couldn't be as bad as that... could it? Well, yes actually; it could.
"Mark Wright's Hollywood Nights insults the intelligence of its viewers"
Each episode warns viewers: "Some of what you're about to see is set up purely for your entertainment." Some? SOME? The percentage of stilted staged segments totally outweighs the few bits that are genuinely interesting (namely, the LA scenery).
Take the first set-up. Mark decided they should all head down to Muscle Beach Venice to exercise. But guess what? It's frequented by gay men and poseurs! Oh, the hilarity!
Cue the mirth as Mark discovers the awful truth from Tina: "You're 'aving a larf, ain't ya!" he exclaimed in his Oscar-winning performance. "This is where Arnold Schwarzenegger and all the stars train!"
Well, she did say poseurs go there.
The only way is set-ups
The producers should've quit while they were far behind, but no - there was more. The next side-splitting slice of
"It takes moronic to an entirely new level"
dramatisation concerned Mark pretending to have a "Brozilian" in order to fool one of his mates into having one for real.
And let's not forget the jollity when Tommy (nicknamed "Mr Mummy's Boy") took part in a beach work out and - wait for it - fell over in the sand! Oh, my sides.
Gut-busting pranks such as these basically drive the episodes forward, in between scenes of Mark showing off his torso, the boys ogling LA women, and an exchange of the kind of lads' banter that is only truly funny if you're in on the joke.
On the plus side, the copious shots of flashy cars, designer labels, sun, sea and sand are a welcome distraction.
"An embarrassment in every way"
I don't think I can emphasise enough just how much Mark Wright's Hollywood Nights insults the intelligence of its viewers. It takes moronic to an entirely new level.
Are we really supposed to believe that none of the guys looked up Muscle Beach Venice on their mobile phones? This is the information age, after all.
It takes a suspension of disbelief as huge as America itself to accept most of what this show is serving up.
I've seen a good deal of criticism levelled at The Only Way Is Essex (TOWIE), but at least the Bafta-winning reality soap has some semblance of charm in addition to colourful characters (Nanny Pat and her sausages, for example).
It's a quality totally absent from this pointless Mark Wright vehicle.
TOWIE easily falls into the category of guilty pleasure TV, but Mark Wright's Hollywood Nights is a lesson in how not to take asinine set-pieces too far.
As affable as its leading man is, he can't save this pointless, soulless series from being an embarrassment in every way.
Verdict: Truly desperate TV.
TV quotes of the week - Mark Wright's Hollywood Nights
"We're here to see the sights. Get ready lads, it's gym time!" - Mark Wright gets his priorities right.
"Tonight, we are going to a proper Hollywood party." - Mark's promises have as much foundation as the Euro.
"Pretty Woman is my favourite ever film!" - Somehow Mark, I didn't think it would be Das Boot.
"Oh my gaaad! You're so awesome." - Exclaimed repeatedly by an LA girl.