X Factor 2012: spoofing Simon Cowell (week three)

Heeeeeeeere's Simon! Johnny Robinson (remember him?) dared me to say that. Hmm, works better when he does it, for some reason.

Last week I said I'd be back. And I never let Britain down. It's true. It really is.

So then, minions, what did you think of Saturday's X Factor?

Hold your wild applause and praise for just a moment.

Some people in the media with, frankly, nothing better to do than play with a stopwatch, were getting their knickers in a twist before the show over the fact there were only eight minutes of singing.

Please. Grow up. That's not what this show is all about. It genuinely isn't. And honestly, I'm not being funny, but did you hear it?

Nicola Marie, the chatterbox up first, was as doolally as Kitty Brucknell. I still have nightmares from last year, you know, even though I wasn't even in the country. Nicola was like some dreadful, end-of-the-pier Jane MacDonald tribute act. She really was.

Alison "Gruntin'" Brunton, as I've brilliantly nicknamed her, said if she had to compare herself to someone, it would be Madonna.

Just as well, sweetheart, that you don't have to, then. She can't sing and she certainly can't dance. Mind you, I have to say, that's never stopped Jedward.

I'm genuinely sorry for her teenage children watching backstage who are now guaranteed a lifetime of playground bullying. With a sob story like that, I'm inviting them to audition next year, probably as a duo, before we force one of them to ditch the other at bootcamp.

It was nice to see Sinitta's younger sister show up, 57-year-old Loretta Ndego. Completely tone deaf, she is. And Loretta wasn't much better. It's a never from me.

Jessica Beckett was genuinely a sweetheart, but said that of her supporters, her mum was the biggest. Which is no way to talk about her mother.

Rocker Joseph Weldon turned up with tattoos all over his arm. Tulisa loves that kind of thing. But he's no Jamie Afro.

The best of the night, by far, was Melanie Masson. I had to laugh when she said people usually call her Fairy. Louis has said the same thing a million times.

Last, and by every means least, Hester Bank tried to do Wild Thing, bless, but sounded like Maria Sharapova serving for the third set while battling a nasty bout of whooping cough. She genuinely did.

Guest judge Anastacia didn't know what to say about her, so I doubt I'll be asking her back again. Mel B suddenly turned nice, so that's ruined her chances.

And if Gary Barlow and Tulisa don't up their game, I'll set Pudsey the dog on them.

However, it was, without question, Nicole Scherzinger's best night so far. I mean that. She didn't make a single appearance.

Until next week, folks, don't miss me too much.

Simon x

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The views in this article are those of the author alone and not of MSN or Microsoft