X Factor 2012: spoofing Simon Cowell (week five)

Well, that's it, loyal subjects. The auditions are over for another year.

We have seen the X Factor 2012 winner, although if they turn out to be anything like Little Mix or the mighty One Direction, they haven't yet been created by the judges' genius at boot camp.

But let me start by popping the Champagne cork and saying well done, team.

We were indisputably triumphant against some lousy BBC1 ballroom dancing show on Saturday night.

I'm told Strictly's premiere had an average of 8m viewers compared with The X Factor's all-conquering 8.6m. And nobody need worry themselves about the 9.8m peak our rival had while we pulled in 9.5m. That doesn't count. It genuinely doesn't.

We got through so many of the remaining auditionees that if you blinked, you missed them.

I'm not being nasty here, but I wish I had.

Grumpy, potty-mouthed pensioner Nick Buss's singing sounded like he was sitting on a washing machine in the dying stages of a spin cycle. It really did.

Another ungrateful contestant with an attitude problem was Scouser Danielle Scott who attempted Adele's Turning Tables. Sweetheart, you have more chance of waiting tables than being a pop star, especially after begging for a second song.

Gary Barlow gave her 30 seconds of Jessie J which, as anyone who's watched The Voice knows, is more than enough for anyone. But if Danielle had gone through, which to fix first? Her vocals or her teeth? I've seen better gnashers on Jeremy Kyle's show.

Alexander Mireles, a student with shaggy-dog hair, was so high-pitched that, suitably, only dogs could hear him. It's true.

Tammy Cartwright, the one with the "mental" nan, was like some dreadful cruise-ship tribute act on Jane McDonald Karaoke theme night.

Bianca Gascoigne, according to the caption, is a "DJ", which answers that question. It's back to the party circuit for you.

And let's not speak of Dermot's dancing, which made an early appearance at the weekend. I don't want to upset him while he's still celebrating getting married.

But mostly, and genuinely, we were spoiled for talent - like Rough Copy who were a kind of mutant Rizzle Kicks.

Homeless Robbie Hance should have arrived to the theme from The Littlest Hobo (I'm marking my backroom boys down for that) because we can be sensitive. He has been busking on the streets. That's nothing; Steve Brookstein has toured Caffe Nero.

And it was nice to see Carolynne Poole return from last year. I noticed she's an antique furniture restorer, which made me wonder what she'd do with Geri Halliwell's appearance.

Gary told her she's the dark horse of the competition. With all that fake tan she had on, I agree.
Anyway, got to dash. So much fan mail to get through and Pudsey the dog to walk.

Roll on boot camp.

Simon x

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