X Factor 2012: spoofing Simon Cowell - MK1 go

Hello again, Britain. I trust you had a good week, or at least that it was better than most of The X Factor contestants'.

They all seemed to have had a terrible time of it since my last words of genuine wisdom.

It was a bad week for Jahmene Douglas, with revelations about his personal life in the press (boy, I know how that feels).

Not the best of times either for: James Arthur, who was anxious about having another anxiety attack, Lucy Spraggan and Rylan Clark, booted out of their hotel for late-night tomfoolery, Kye Sones, who had flu, thereby making it chimney flu, Louis' hair...

Everyone.

Jade Ellis pulled the oldest excuse in The X Factor book, having a sore throat, which I heard enough of last year when Kelly Rowland called in sick and put on her poorly voice.

That said, Jade got the sympathy vote which is more than I can say for MK1 who were sent packing all the way back to the 1990s.

They'll be sharing a third of their prize with their former bandmate (remember him?) who stepped aside at the auditions and demanded 33 per cent of their takings, which by my rough calculations is precisely zero pounds.

MK1 had been worried about doing something overground and also something underground, but they may as well have sung The Wombling Song anyway for all the good that Crystal Waters/Tinie Tempah mash-up did them.

It was officially Club Classics Week, although I'm not sure what clubs the judges have ever been to listening to their acts.

Jahmene, in a black jacket with turquoise bowtie and trousers which made him look like a sexually-confused cross-dressing penguin, invented some new notes during Say A Little Prayer. But the only club that song belongs in is down the golf club; ever tried the golf bunker shot while talking to Louis Walsh?

James did an acoustic version of Sexy And I Know It by LMFAO, or "LMFO" if you heard what Louis said which with his new and improved barnet I assume stands for Laugh My Fringe Off.

Gary Barlow called it the performance of the series, and it would have been original too, had CeCe Frey not performed the identical unplugged version at Demi Lovato's Judges' House on The X Factor USA last week.

Christopher Maloney cheesed-up Waiting For A Star To Fall, and I doubt he will have to wait much longer for a fall. It's just an opinion.

In fact, for these so-called Club Classics, only Rylan (wearing a mini-ironing board on each shoulder) and Ella bothered to dance - if you don't include Dermot. The less said about that the better.

For her trouble, Ella got a rollicking from Gary, who, in that tartan suit, looked like some Rupert the Bear ticket inspector, although at least he wasn't the Star Trek croupier Louis appeared to have come as.

Now just 10 acts remain for Halloween Week where I have visions of pure terror, mostly involving Rylan's outfit and Dermot re-enacting Michael Jackson's Thriller video. Shudder. Until then, be good.

Simon x

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