X Factor 2012: spoofing Simon Cowell - Melanie exits

A phone call to James Arthur from Mary J Blige, a text to Jahmene Douglas from Yoko Ono, a bag of pork scratchings to Nicole Scherzinger from the pub barman...

I'm sure you'll agree, The X Factor had it all this weekend. It really did. There was even an F sharp descending, as is tradition, from Ella Henderson. Wow, that girl can sing.

What a treat to begin with too. Dermot didn't do a dance. Genuinely.

He did, however, get Louis to kiss and make up with Gary (like he had to do on a weekly basis when Sharon Osbourne was on the show), and put to bed the total nonsense spread by jealous rumour-mongers about the judges being told what to do and how to vote by the executive producers.

I mean, how ludicrous! There's only one X Factor executive producer that gives the orders around here and he wears 10-inch Cuban heels and trousers up to his chiselled chest. That's right, you're looking at him, Sunny Jim.

But enough about me, for now. What did I think of the contestants on what looked suspiciously like Amy Winehouse week?

Well, Jahmene nailed Tears Dry On Their Own, by Amy Winehouse, and Jade Ellis made Love Is A Losing Game, by Amy Winehouse, her own. It's true.

Union J were, I have to say, almost as good as One Direction. Nicole told them that they could soon be selling out the O2 - unlike sickly-sweet bottom-two boyband District 3 who could soon be working for O2. In a customer service call centre.

I'm not being mean, I'm just offering an opinion.

James Arthur bared his soul during his performance, while we all had to grin and bare cheese-on-toast in human form Christopher Maloney who sang Alone by Heart. Fitting as the only way he'll get radio time is on Heart FM's golden hour of throwbacks from yesteryear.

Dermot said his voice was an aphrodisiac. It was more like medication for an insomniac.

But at least Christopher is more current than MK1 who brought The Jacksons' I Want You Back all the way up to date, if that date is 1986. I am still laughing at the duo's attempts to give Louis an urban makeover. If anything it was a rural makeover.

Honestly, with those specs and baseball cap, he looked like some hideous cross between Jonathan King and Timmy Mallett.

As for Ella's F sharp descending (thanks, Gary, for the technical know-how) during Lovin' You, which only dogs could hear, Louis said she hit the high Mariah Carey note. It's Minnie Riperton, Louis, not Mariah. Get it right.

But without question, the performance of the night was actually by creative genius Brian Friedman. He made Kye Sones, surrounded by flames, look like a careless chimney sweep on fire and answered an age-old question with Rylan Clark's staging - what do 10 dancing fashionista pandas look like? Now we know. We really do.

But not even Brian could save Melanie Masson from the chop, despite making her dance in front of what looked like a re-enactment of the Tales of the Unexpected opening titles with dancers in silhouette.

She wasn't the worst singer, but that's not what this show is all about. It genuinely isn't. It's about making me ric... I mean, finding the next global superstar. And I'm sorry, sweetheart, that wasn't you.

Until next week's inevitable Deadlock, be good.

Simon x

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The views in this article are those of the author alone and not of MSN or Microsoft